Walking With Youth Through A Death
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Death is never fun to experience but we have to prepare to walk with our students through it in order to serve them well and honor God through it, also.
I don't enjoy it but I've become very good at dealing with death and helping people sort through the pain, anguish and emotional rollercoaster that it can have on a family. I deal with death almost every week, as a part time hospice chaplain. I’m still a one year newbie as a chaplain but I've been in youth ministry for over twenty years. This unique experience mix allows me to share a few things that you can apply and adapt in your ministry.
- It's an honor to walk alongside families through the valley of the shadow of death.
It's extremely difficult and everyone is not cut out to be a hospice chaplain but as a minister in your setting, it's part of the pastoral ministry you're responsible for in your youth ministry. You walk alongside them through the gift of presence and often you don't need to say a whole lot. That'll be difficult for many of you but limit your words, because you can't fix the pain but you can carry some their burden for them by being with them and letting them know you care.
- Death is around the corner for everyone, we just don't know how long till we reach our corner.
I've told a few of my patients that they have received a gift. In order to receive hospice care, some doctor diagnosed them as having six months or less to live. When you know your time is short, you make an intentional effort to make things right with God and with friends and family. We don't know when our time will be over on Earth so it's a good reminder that it could be any of us at any given moment.
We need to encourage our students to make the most of every opportunity because our life is a vapor.
- Your job is to gently whisper to them the truth they already know or will acknowledge as true, once shared with them.
When we are in a crisis, of any sort but especially the death of a loved one, our hearts and our heads often disconnect and we go through a grief that is so deep, it's fair to say it's the closest we'll get to being emotional zombies because we are so numb.
It's during these times that they need someone to whisper God's truths to them as a reminder. Even medical & mental health professionals need someone to do this for them because it's one thing to know the book answers but it's another level of pain when it's a member of your family that is dying or has passed.
God is good and faithful even when we don't understand it and he promises to be with us through the pain of life and he provides the Holy Spirit as our Comforter. I've seen it where our whisper can become the whisper of God's assurance to the family during their darkest days.
- The only golden rule when it comes to grief is that people grieve differently and they need the space and permission to grieve accordingly.
I share that with every family I serve because I've seen too many families play the blame game on each other and no good comes out of that. They need to be warned of the dangers and given the freedom to grieve as they see fit.
- Get to know and be able to accurately paraphrase Kübler-Ross' 5 Stages of Grief.
Because they are students, this may be the first time they are dealing with the death of someone they know or someone in their family. Consider Kübler-Ross' 5 Stages of Grief a course in Grieving 101.
The stages are DABDA -- Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression & Acceptance. Truly, look it up and the only key thing to know and share with them is that grief is a continual looping cycle of these 5 things. Whether it's a teen romance breaking up, a puppy running away, a suicide in the school of someone they didn’t know or their own grandmother that passed away, the 5 Stages of Greif will be experienced by your students.
- Pray for them and pray with them.
Public prayer during these sort of crisis often provides comfort for the family and can give them a step towards closure. I typically tell my patients or family members that I will pray for them as I drive to my next appointment.
It's encouraging for people to know they are truly being prayed for, so let them know.
